Tuesday, August 28, 2007

28.08.2007

The clock in my computer showed 1.08. Morning, on this day of 28/08/2007.

As I quietly welcomed my birthday, I looked back at this road that I have traveled for the past 32 years.

How time flies, one would often hear another exclaims. Indeed, if I am to roll out my life's past events on a film, everything would seem to be blurrish and faded, some colourless, some fresh with sights and sounds, but mostly they move in slowed speed and fragmented episodes.

Have I become so old that I couldn't recall an incident with full entirety and clarity? Or have I become too involved with my daily rushes and pushes for me to forget something so easily? Between the jagged lines of memories and sentiments, I search quietly for an inner calmness to tame my unsettled heart.

It has been quite a few days, or perhaps weeks, that I ponder the arrival of this day - my birthday. This age of 32 has aroused quite a substantial amount of affection and yearning within me. Shakymuni was said to have attained enlightenment at 32 while Jesus was believed to have passed away in his early thirties. Nichiren Daishonin, the founder of my belief, invoked the phrase to the rising sun on 28th April 1253 "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo" at this age, while my beloved Mentor Dr. Daisaku Ikeda determinedly assumed the role of the third president of Soka Gakkai at the age of 32 as well.

On a different note but of the same date, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, the leader of the American Civil Rights Movement, delivered his historically significant and culturally earth-shattering speech of his dreams and heartfelt desires on 28, August 1963. To a crowd of 200,000, he declared, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." These words certainly rang through the tunnels of history and echoed resonantly in the lives of those who received this declaration, until this very day.

Though decades and centuries have passed, and time and space have all shifted and evolved, this almost mystical significance of this date seemed branded in my life.

It was also in the midst of looking back at my own life, against the gigantic canvass of history and life that I asked myself: what have I done in the 32 years of this journey? That question is followed almost in a splitting moment by the very next: what have you done to realise your dreams and fulfill your aspirations, in this world and lifetime, which you have hold so closely and dearly to your heart?

These are questions that certainly drive a pain in my heart, for they all question my innermost being, of who I am, of what I have done, and of where I am going. They call forth my basest and barest emotions in viewing and reviewing myself in securing a concrete answer to these piercing inquiries.

But for what reason do I wish to submerge myself in this seemingly sorrowful emotions? It can only be due to the fact that I have let down too many people too many times. Far too long, I have made mistakes that I shouldn't have, took turns where I was not supposed to, set decisions which I shouldn't have. In short, I have thrown away the fortune that was endowed upon me since birth, time and again, and till this day, this time, I have not secured a triumphant victory that would me look back with pride. All the more so that I have to shamefully admit that I truly have let my Mentor down. Alas! All the promises I have made to him, in my heart, carved in my life; they all seemed to have been washed away. Would I be able to recover and actualise them? I do not know.

I have always cherished the enlightenment that everyone born into this world is of a mission, for a purpose. It is still so in my heart. But what have I done to make this enlightenment a concrete entity in my life, carrying it along as I travel in this world and through my life?

My Mentor is already old. He's now 87 year-old, tirelessly working for the sake of humanity, never resting for even a single day while I, young and able but fixated at the crossroad of 32 years of determination and delusion, struggling to keep my faith and belief ahead of me, disappointed that I have yet to live up to my own inner cries.

"For what purpose should one cultivate wisdom? May you always ask yourself this question." As I proceed to venture into unchartered 32 years, I brace myself in engraving these words into my heart. In fulfilling my own destiny, in showing the correctness of my belief, and in proving the greatness of my Mentor. As the night seeps through the web of darkness, I travelled deeper into my own inner self in search of that pure conviction, joy and light I once possessed.

As the world sleeps soundly, awaiting gently for the the golden rays of a brand new morning, I settled myself in preparing for a fresh embarkment of a brand new history. Like a Lotus flower blossoming fiercely in the muddy pond, I pray to rise from the Earth.

2 comments:

Lis of the North said...

Happy Birthday! This is a sorrowful post but do not dwell on past mistakes, instead look to the future and this new year that is waiting for you.
Best wishes!!

StormRider 謝|羽|豐 said...

Thank you Lis. :)